Ready. Set. Go.

but I can't, I'm still being held back.
I can taste it, I can almost grab it, hold it, pull myself through
but I'm about an inch or so too far away.
The taste, the constant looking forward, reaching forward, stretching is distracting me.
The distraction is holding me back, pulling me away, grounding me in the here and now.
But I keep reaching even though I know
The more I stretch the farther away I am from reaching it.

Breaking point

I'm almost there, just give it a few days and I'll snap
like a twig.
It was going to be today, I could feel it.
I felt suffocated by the heavy, dry heat.
My skin was thirsty
but I was not, nor was I hungry. Food felt like a rock in my stomach
My mood was up and down then up again, then came crashing down
Everyone was too loud, I had to leave
I took a walk outside, the cold, damp air refreshing me, calming me a little.
Tears threatened to spill over, but I held them back.
I know how to bottle things up.
Deep breaths, in and out, catching every so often when a new wave was about to crash.
Keep composed.
Pull myself together, just clear my head and try to focus.
Go back inside, sit, smile, go on.
I'm just procrastinating this breakdown.

M.I.A

I know that I've been less than social recently. Its not that I don't love and miss you all, I've just been busy busy busy.
nine hours of smiling and helping and being happy-go-lucky cheer monster, that could make anyone go crazy.
But I haven't forgotten about you, I'm looking forward to giving you all a big hug and hearing all your stories from the break.
 And I'm sure you are all just dying to hear all about my break/random thought brought on by my break, so I won't keep you waiting for much longer... (If you can't sense the sarcasm then it really has been to long since I've seen you)

Firstly it seems appropriate to make some resolutions, we are only a few days into 2010 after all.
First and foremost I NEED TO GET MY G2!
I'm saying by spring. I have a plan to get around the backlog which involves farm boys and mennonites but I've already said too much...

Secondly I need to get back to riding, and exercising in general. I feel sluggish and too soft, I want my muscles back. I'm thinking yoga.

Thirdly (this has been one almost every year) I need to stop procrastinating and get organized. Although I say this every year, this year seems to be the most important. I need to get my ass in gear so I can get into, remain in and succeed in university next year. This is very, very important.

The more I hang out with university students the more excited I am about next year and the less I want to be in high school. For me this isn't new year, nothing has changed yet except the numbers you write at the top of the page. Even next semester will be a nice change, new classes, new(ish) people, more free time to be filled in new(ish) ways (aka work, volunteering in the drama room, going home in the middle of the day, going home   after one class...) but the real change, the real excitement will come when I unpack my bags in a different city in a tiny, stuffy room that will be my home for the next eight months.
I don't know why I'm so excited, its not like I'm always the most outgoing person. I guess I'm looking forward to forcing this newness on myself.
If you're going to jump off the high dive, might as well do it head first, eyes closed and backwards.

Speaking of new, after my last family christmas dinner of the season (held after new years) which consisted of vodka pong, video games and life chats with the cousin(s), I have some new ambitions.
One is to be an au pair for a european family.
Apparently it is an amazing opportunity, not only do you get paid well but there are a lot of perks including free food, free trips around the country/continent, free language lessons if you don't already fluently speak the language, basically a lot of freebies.

It seems as though I have a craving for change, possibly with a side of freedom.