"... but I like sleeping in a nest"

I feel like I've disappeared, but I kinda like it.
I'm in my little hidey-hole, wrapped in warm blankets and a haze of sleepiness. I'm relaxed.
I'm sure I'll get bored eventually, there are only so many books in my house and only so many cookie recipes to try but until then I like it here in my little bubble.
I can pretend I don't have a mountain of work and things to do pilling up.
Feel free to drop by anytime though.

I don't care.
Fuck off.

I'm happy and I will choose to be happy, don't ruin it.
and stop fucking judging me.
I'm not like you, and I don't want to be.

Doubt it. I think too much about you, You think too little about me.
Guess I'll just shut up and put up with it, passive aggressively of course.
What else would I do, tell you what I'm feeling?
Where has that ever gotten me?

I will posses your heart

Death Cab.
Cool air.
Bright Colours.
Crunchy leaves.
Peppermint tea, with a hint tarragon and lots of honey.

After rehearsal (I've missed acting so much... just wait until I get on stage.), and a bus ride this walk home seemed perfect.

Fragile

Everyone seems so fragile.

I need you to be strong. I'm worried about you, I love you. Please be okay. You'll get through this.

I need you to be brave. Get back up on that horse that threw you off. You deserve to be happy, have the best and be loved. (You already are, and not only by me)

I need you to take a deep breath and not let the stress get to you. You're smart, you'll get through this. 

And I need myself to stop getting hurt. Bruised knee, burnt, cuts everywhere. Jeeze Molly, pull it together. 

And stop procrastinating! You aren't in university yet, you still need to get in. Do your work, study and start busting your ass. The real world is waiting...

Decay

My body is breaking down
my muscles
my insides
my head.

but for once my mind and heart are good, not perfect, but good.
I may be stressed and worried and falling part but I am happy.
What more can I ask for?

24/10/09 5:00a.m

I'm okay.
(Note: read "I'm okay" as "I'm as okay as I can be" and let's be honest, that's not okay at all. I barley holding myself together. I can hear his voice in my head, as kind and sweet as ever. I miss him already, this was too quick. I can see the pain in my family's eyes. My gramma, my father, my sister, I'm sure my uncle, aunt and cousins too all trying to be strong and seem like they're holding themselves together. It's an act. I know because I'm putting on the same mask, playing the same part. But please let me do this, I need to. I can't break down. So when I tell you that I'm okay, please just pretend to believe me. If I can keep myself distracted for long enough, stop feeling the pain for long enough, forget for long enough, maybe it will all go away and I can move on. Until then indulge me a little, give me a distraction. Let me build my little hibernation nest, warm and protected in his arms, happy and cheery at work, mindless and comatose on the couch watching the screen flicker. I'll be better eventually, I promise.)



Poppa I love you, and always will. I'm happy that you're not in pain now and that you're free. I miss you though and just wish that I could give you a hug. I know you're watching over us and I promise that I'll make you proud. R.I.P