As the air cools

As crazy as it sounds I'm starting to look forward to school starting

I'm craving the cool air and warm cardigans

I excited to be able to keep track of everyone and their whereabouts and goings-on

(I'm a mother hen, I worry, it's my nature)

As per usual I am hopeful that this year will be better,

the classes won't be as meaningless

the people won't be as mindless and disrespectful (not you select few who I love and could not live without)

However this year has to mean something, this is the year that can make or break you. I hope I'm ready, I don't feel like I am though. Thankfully I have people to get me through it, the ones who will camp out in the library with me and kick my butt until I study or let me completely forget about everything and gave happy hour on the roof.

This year will be different, I'll make sure of it.

Things have already changed, I feel like I have a new life

or at least I fit better into my life as it was.

I love it.

I love you, all of you and I wouldn't change or exchange you for anything.

Now off to go to the movies with one of my loves, we have some catching up to do.

My head is pounding

The pain, pushing against my skull, my eyeballs, a reminder of the tears I'm holding back.

It's not your fault. It's not you, it's me.

I don't know how to explain

these thoughts cycling, cycling, cycling.

Each time shooting an icy wave through my core, my limbs.

Am I crazy? Probably.

You're sweet, but it leaves a funny aftertaste.

I never was a fan of aspartame.

Rain, rain

It was pouring this morning, the thunder waking me from my slumber, the rain lulling me back to sleep. Curled up, warm and comfortable. Spent my morning reading and relaxing. Eventually the rain stopped but I stayed caught up in Palahniuk's words.

But now my book is done, I'm alone and feeling trapped in my room. Nowhere to go, No one to go to.

Why? You tell me, we used to be close but now you seem to be making excuses to avoid me.

Whatever, fine. You deal with your drama and I'll deal with my own.

At least the rain and thunder are back, drowning out my loud, obnoxious neighbors.

Would you notice?

Would anyone notice?

If I just walked away, I doubt it, and if they did they wouldn't care for long. Everyone has carved their little niche but I seem to have forgotten to do the same.

So while everyone has their creative or physical outlets I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.

But I need to get it out, let it out.

I'm starting on that downward plunge again, thoughts swirling around my head making me feel small. Well not small, that would be a nice change. I feel, awkward and inadequate and misplaced.

I've been here before though, this self destructive state of mind, and I'll be here again. What normally brings me out is time, tea, and talking. (and a little bit of love helps too)

However, as I've said before, I don't just come out and talk, I need to be poked and prodded and the words need to be pulled out of me. These days nobody seems to be interested in doing that. I feel neglected, but I know I'm just being a cry baby and I need to stop.

There are too many thoughts in my head

get out! get out! get out!

I'm worried about what's going to happen in less than a month now (why so soon!?), next year when everything counts and there are big decisions to be made, I don't think I'm ready.

And I don't want to do it without you, but you'll be off, one step closer to the real world than me. Busy, busy, too busy for me. Don't worry, I'll be waiting for you, phone glued to my hip. I'm worried that this distance will be too much to handle, small as it is. But I know I'm being crazy.

I'm trying to make myself stop, this long rambling word vomit was more to get it all out than for anyone reading this (not that you are, you're busy, you don't care, you don't know, whatever the case). My body is craving sleep, the warm blanket, the soft pillow and the comfort of my mind shutting off for a few hours.

Fingers crossed that my mind stop this downward spiral tomorrow.

strip everything away and leave me raw and empty but clean and sane.