If I just walked away, I doubt it, and if they did they wouldn't care for long. Everyone has carved their little niche but I seem to have forgotten to do the same.
So while everyone has their creative or physical outlets I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.
But I need to get it out, let it out.
I'm starting on that downward plunge again, thoughts swirling around my head making me feel small. Well not small, that would be a nice change. I feel, awkward and inadequate and misplaced.
I've been here before though, this self destructive state of mind, and I'll be here again. What normally brings me out is time, tea, and talking. (and a little bit of love helps too)
However, as I've said before, I don't just come out and talk, I need to be poked and prodded and the words need to be pulled out of me. These days nobody seems to be interested in doing that. I feel neglected, but I know I'm just being a cry baby and I need to stop.
There are too many thoughts in my head
get out! get out! get out!
I'm worried about what's going to happen in less than a month now (why so soon!?), next year when everything counts and there are big decisions to be made, I don't think I'm ready.
And I don't want to do it without you, but you'll be off, one step closer to the real world than me. Busy, busy, too busy for me. Don't worry, I'll be waiting for you, phone glued to my hip. I'm worried that this distance will be too much to handle, small as it is. But I know I'm being crazy.
I'm trying to make myself stop, this long rambling word vomit was more to get it all out than for anyone reading this (not that you are, you're busy, you don't care, you don't know, whatever the case). My body is craving sleep, the warm blanket, the soft pillow and the comfort of my mind shutting off for a few hours.
Fingers crossed that my mind stop this downward spiral tomorrow.
strip everything away and leave me raw and empty but clean and sane.
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