Ready. Set. Go.

but I can't, I'm still being held back.
I can taste it, I can almost grab it, hold it, pull myself through
but I'm about an inch or so too far away.
The taste, the constant looking forward, reaching forward, stretching is distracting me.
The distraction is holding me back, pulling me away, grounding me in the here and now.
But I keep reaching even though I know
The more I stretch the farther away I am from reaching it.

Breaking point

I'm almost there, just give it a few days and I'll snap
like a twig.
It was going to be today, I could feel it.
I felt suffocated by the heavy, dry heat.
My skin was thirsty
but I was not, nor was I hungry. Food felt like a rock in my stomach
My mood was up and down then up again, then came crashing down
Everyone was too loud, I had to leave
I took a walk outside, the cold, damp air refreshing me, calming me a little.
Tears threatened to spill over, but I held them back.
I know how to bottle things up.
Deep breaths, in and out, catching every so often when a new wave was about to crash.
Keep composed.
Pull myself together, just clear my head and try to focus.
Go back inside, sit, smile, go on.
I'm just procrastinating this breakdown.

M.I.A

I know that I've been less than social recently. Its not that I don't love and miss you all, I've just been busy busy busy.
nine hours of smiling and helping and being happy-go-lucky cheer monster, that could make anyone go crazy.
But I haven't forgotten about you, I'm looking forward to giving you all a big hug and hearing all your stories from the break.
 And I'm sure you are all just dying to hear all about my break/random thought brought on by my break, so I won't keep you waiting for much longer... (If you can't sense the sarcasm then it really has been to long since I've seen you)

Firstly it seems appropriate to make some resolutions, we are only a few days into 2010 after all.
First and foremost I NEED TO GET MY G2!
I'm saying by spring. I have a plan to get around the backlog which involves farm boys and mennonites but I've already said too much...

Secondly I need to get back to riding, and exercising in general. I feel sluggish and too soft, I want my muscles back. I'm thinking yoga.

Thirdly (this has been one almost every year) I need to stop procrastinating and get organized. Although I say this every year, this year seems to be the most important. I need to get my ass in gear so I can get into, remain in and succeed in university next year. This is very, very important.

The more I hang out with university students the more excited I am about next year and the less I want to be in high school. For me this isn't new year, nothing has changed yet except the numbers you write at the top of the page. Even next semester will be a nice change, new classes, new(ish) people, more free time to be filled in new(ish) ways (aka work, volunteering in the drama room, going home in the middle of the day, going home   after one class...) but the real change, the real excitement will come when I unpack my bags in a different city in a tiny, stuffy room that will be my home for the next eight months.
I don't know why I'm so excited, its not like I'm always the most outgoing person. I guess I'm looking forward to forcing this newness on myself.
If you're going to jump off the high dive, might as well do it head first, eyes closed and backwards.

Speaking of new, after my last family christmas dinner of the season (held after new years) which consisted of vodka pong, video games and life chats with the cousin(s), I have some new ambitions.
One is to be an au pair for a european family.
Apparently it is an amazing opportunity, not only do you get paid well but there are a lot of perks including free food, free trips around the country/continent, free language lessons if you don't already fluently speak the language, basically a lot of freebies.

It seems as though I have a craving for change, possibly with a side of freedom.

"... but I like sleeping in a nest"

I feel like I've disappeared, but I kinda like it.
I'm in my little hidey-hole, wrapped in warm blankets and a haze of sleepiness. I'm relaxed.
I'm sure I'll get bored eventually, there are only so many books in my house and only so many cookie recipes to try but until then I like it here in my little bubble.
I can pretend I don't have a mountain of work and things to do pilling up.
Feel free to drop by anytime though.

I don't care.
Fuck off.

I'm happy and I will choose to be happy, don't ruin it.
and stop fucking judging me.
I'm not like you, and I don't want to be.

Doubt it. I think too much about you, You think too little about me.
Guess I'll just shut up and put up with it, passive aggressively of course.
What else would I do, tell you what I'm feeling?
Where has that ever gotten me?

I will posses your heart

Death Cab.
Cool air.
Bright Colours.
Crunchy leaves.
Peppermint tea, with a hint tarragon and lots of honey.

After rehearsal (I've missed acting so much... just wait until I get on stage.), and a bus ride this walk home seemed perfect.

Fragile

Everyone seems so fragile.

I need you to be strong. I'm worried about you, I love you. Please be okay. You'll get through this.

I need you to be brave. Get back up on that horse that threw you off. You deserve to be happy, have the best and be loved. (You already are, and not only by me)

I need you to take a deep breath and not let the stress get to you. You're smart, you'll get through this. 

And I need myself to stop getting hurt. Bruised knee, burnt, cuts everywhere. Jeeze Molly, pull it together. 

And stop procrastinating! You aren't in university yet, you still need to get in. Do your work, study and start busting your ass. The real world is waiting...

Decay

My body is breaking down
my muscles
my insides
my head.

but for once my mind and heart are good, not perfect, but good.
I may be stressed and worried and falling part but I am happy.
What more can I ask for?

24/10/09 5:00a.m

I'm okay.
(Note: read "I'm okay" as "I'm as okay as I can be" and let's be honest, that's not okay at all. I barley holding myself together. I can hear his voice in my head, as kind and sweet as ever. I miss him already, this was too quick. I can see the pain in my family's eyes. My gramma, my father, my sister, I'm sure my uncle, aunt and cousins too all trying to be strong and seem like they're holding themselves together. It's an act. I know because I'm putting on the same mask, playing the same part. But please let me do this, I need to. I can't break down. So when I tell you that I'm okay, please just pretend to believe me. If I can keep myself distracted for long enough, stop feeling the pain for long enough, forget for long enough, maybe it will all go away and I can move on. Until then indulge me a little, give me a distraction. Let me build my little hibernation nest, warm and protected in his arms, happy and cheery at work, mindless and comatose on the couch watching the screen flicker. I'll be better eventually, I promise.)



Poppa I love you, and always will. I'm happy that you're not in pain now and that you're free. I miss you though and just wish that I could give you a hug. I know you're watching over us and I promise that I'll make you proud. R.I.P 

Falling apart...

Only hours left.
"I have no regrets and nothing I would change. Well I have regrets, but I wouldn't change anything."
I love you and always will.

Where the fuck is the off switch?

I want to rip my hair out, curl up in a corner and cry.
Then get sucked into a black whole. And die.
Where the fuck did all this stress come from?
And why did he have to choose tonight to be an ass?
So what am I doing instead of
planning for my history discussion?
reading Hard times and making notes?
finding problems with the hellenistic philosophies?
working on my content analysis?
writing one of my history essay?
sleeping?

I am switching between doing my work, crying, procrastinating, imagining the worse, worrying and more crying.
I wish I could turn my brain off, just for a little bit. Go on autopilot and just coast.
Until all this shit is over with and I'm at university siting comfortably in my humanities class making plans to go out and get drunk.

"Just imagine me holding your hand"

I have concrete in my stomach,
ice in my veins,
but many incredible people there to hold my hand.
"we are strong together"

I can be strong, paint on a brave face. I can do this.
Well, we'll see

*                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *
I have been called strong but I can't compare to him.
He is the strongest, bravest man I know.
He's facing death and yet he is still himself.
He talks about funerals and cremation, even his own.
He makes jokes.
He looks frail, needs help getting up and walking
but he was the strongest one here.

"they're not going to do the chemo...."





"there's no treatment plan..."




"It's going to be months, not years..."



"it's just about making him comfortable now..."



Silence. I can't comprehend.
I can't imagine him not being around, I don't want to.

When I have more time

and I'm in the right mood and have the house to myself this site will be my inspiration.
I can't cook when people (read my mother) are home.
The kitchen is too small and she is too fluttery and takes up too much of my personal space.
Constant chatter about nothing, listing off instructions, nagging, complaining, questioning.
Why can't she just be quiet and let me be?
Why does she feel the need to be in constant communication?
Why does she think I want to be?
We were talking today about when I move out.
She wants to call everyday. Wants to talk for hours, wasting my time with trivial things.
I. don't. care.
I'm sorry, I'm a horrible daughter.
but her voice just creates this tension and frustration inside me, I can feel it building and lingering.
I just want to yell.
Instead I make a sarcastic comment, pushing her away, closing up.
I'm not my sister, I won't talk endlessly about nothing for hours with you, I just don't care enough.
I'm sorry I'm a horrible daughter.

Kiss with a Fist.

My new addiction.
Florence + the Machine.
Listen.

What goes up

must come down.
Here we go again
Please keep your hands and feet inside the cart until the ride has come to a complete stop.
It may be awhile.

fingers crossed

job interview for Victoria's Secret PINK was today.

I'm hoping that I came across as "outgoing and customer service oriented" 

They said that they would call end of next weekend/early the week after.

I need a job. 

Flowers and Weeds

What's the difference?

What if somebody purposely planted dandelions, would they be considered flowers?

He surprised me today. I was trying hard not to get my hopes up, telling myself "he's not going to be there, he's coming home tomorrow."

Guess who showed up, bright purple-pink gerber daisy in hand. I was so happy that I leapt into his arms and buried my head in his chest. The rest of the day I was mushy and smiley and resisting the urge to skip down the halls. (I would be smacked, by several people.)

Today was the first of many grad assemblies. Graduating is becoming a reality now, not just some far off dream. Its a weird feeling, scared, excited, impatient and something else I can't figure out. The cliche word for it would be "butterflies" but its more than that.

I like how Mack put it.

We were talking about our days, lives, summers, ect. while weeding the school's garden. He said that its like we're on the on-ramp to the highway. Its the same feeling, nervous, excited. University is like the highway, fast moving, crowded, scary but the only way to get where you're going.

My hands are raw now, from pulling up monster weeds, but my body is craving that post-exercise burn. Time to try something new, Yoga maybe?

busy busy busy

Victoria Secret job fair tomorrow, wish me luck.

Monday

Today was a bad day and I was kinda hoping that you would make it better.

I keep getting my hopes up with these crazy daydreams.

It just leads to disappointment.

I know you, know how you act, I know you don't always think to ask

and yet I still hope that you will.

It's dumb but I can't stop myself.

You're not going to show up outside my window on a white horse

I need a reality check, badly.