When I have more time

and I'm in the right mood and have the house to myself this site will be my inspiration.
I can't cook when people (read my mother) are home.
The kitchen is too small and she is too fluttery and takes up too much of my personal space.
Constant chatter about nothing, listing off instructions, nagging, complaining, questioning.
Why can't she just be quiet and let me be?
Why does she feel the need to be in constant communication?
Why does she think I want to be?
We were talking today about when I move out.
She wants to call everyday. Wants to talk for hours, wasting my time with trivial things.
I. don't. care.
I'm sorry, I'm a horrible daughter.
but her voice just creates this tension and frustration inside me, I can feel it building and lingering.
I just want to yell.
Instead I make a sarcastic comment, pushing her away, closing up.
I'm not my sister, I won't talk endlessly about nothing for hours with you, I just don't care enough.
I'm sorry I'm a horrible daughter.

Kiss with a Fist.

My new addiction.
Florence + the Machine.
Listen.

What goes up

must come down.
Here we go again
Please keep your hands and feet inside the cart until the ride has come to a complete stop.
It may be awhile.

fingers crossed

job interview for Victoria's Secret PINK was today.

I'm hoping that I came across as "outgoing and customer service oriented" 

They said that they would call end of next weekend/early the week after.

I need a job. 

Flowers and Weeds

What's the difference?

What if somebody purposely planted dandelions, would they be considered flowers?

He surprised me today. I was trying hard not to get my hopes up, telling myself "he's not going to be there, he's coming home tomorrow."

Guess who showed up, bright purple-pink gerber daisy in hand. I was so happy that I leapt into his arms and buried my head in his chest. The rest of the day I was mushy and smiley and resisting the urge to skip down the halls. (I would be smacked, by several people.)

Today was the first of many grad assemblies. Graduating is becoming a reality now, not just some far off dream. Its a weird feeling, scared, excited, impatient and something else I can't figure out. The cliche word for it would be "butterflies" but its more than that.

I like how Mack put it.

We were talking about our days, lives, summers, ect. while weeding the school's garden. He said that its like we're on the on-ramp to the highway. Its the same feeling, nervous, excited. University is like the highway, fast moving, crowded, scary but the only way to get where you're going.

My hands are raw now, from pulling up monster weeds, but my body is craving that post-exercise burn. Time to try something new, Yoga maybe?

busy busy busy

Victoria Secret job fair tomorrow, wish me luck.

Monday

Today was a bad day and I was kinda hoping that you would make it better.

I keep getting my hopes up with these crazy daydreams.

It just leads to disappointment.

I know you, know how you act, I know you don't always think to ask

and yet I still hope that you will.

It's dumb but I can't stop myself.

You're not going to show up outside my window on a white horse

I need a reality check, badly.

super girl

busy busy busy

got to do it all

basketball, beat team, gym, job (?), driving, homework, friends....

just cram my day full of activity

that way I forget

and everything isn't so shitty.

The last first day

I don't know what to say, summer is over and school is starting.

Bring on the homework, stress, tears, laughs, drama, classes, boredom, stress, dumb people, amazing people, projects, tests, stress, fun times, skipping, little sleep, library, pointless handouts, useful information, horrible teachers, amazing teachers who I love already, new people, the old people who I love, the people I hate, stress, coffee, caf food (barf), bagels, not eating during the day, bus, stress, memories and last but not least, stress.

This is our last year, and although I'm ready for it to be done already and sick of school I know I will be one of the criers on the last day/ graduation. I'm sorry, but I will miss you, so be prepared (kate)

To be fair my classes are pretty amazing. I'm in love with philosophy already and sociology is coming in at a close second. For once I am interested in all my classes, hopefully that will make this year bearable.

Good bye summer, we had some good times and some boring times but by far you have been my favourite summer. I feel like I was able to be myself and do what I wanted. The parties, the beach days, the movies and random hangouts, the time I spent with him, all of it. I feel, no I am extremely grateful for all these memories and the happiness it gives me.

(barf, so cheesy)

On my own... here we go

My mind is set on overdrive

The clock is laughing in my face

In an attempt to grow-the-fuck-up and learn to be more independent I am trying to be okay with all this.

The other day I saw his new home, new life. It was overwhelming. and harder than I thought. I'm used to him being around and being able to see him. I want to be in constant contact with him, I'm constantly fighting the urge to text him. I'm trying not to be the psycho bitch girlfriend, clingy and whiny and jealous. Shoot me if I do.

Okay so I might have, sorta, kinda, been that girl.

But only slightly and I did have a bit of a reason.

We talked though, briefly and unfortunately tearfully on my part.

He wants freedom, I understand that. Eighteen years he has waited to be out on his own, his parents are giving him space and I should too. He doesn't want to have to give me a play-by-play of his day or feel like he can't go out and enjoy his university experience. I don't want him to feel like that either.

From my side I don't want to be forgotten or ignored. I've been left behind, waiting in the gate for another year before I can go out and join the race. I don't want to feel like I'm bothering him by wanting to talk to him, I want him to want to talk to me. And yes, I'd like him to stay away from other girls completely but that's crazy and unrealistic. He will have friends that are girls, as long as I'm his only girlfriend I'm okay with it. I know I can trust him and I do, now its just time to trust the other people.

I also may be a wee bit jealous of the fact that he is out of here and closer to the real world than I am. I want to get out so badly, unfortunately I'm stuck in the high school world which starts again tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm ready.

Deep breath.

"It will all be okay."

And Repeat.

Backyard

Perfect weather.

Sunny, warm but with a cool breeze.

I am seemingly content

however I know it is only a matter of time until I become lonely and bored once again.

busy busy busy, got to keep busy.

I should be getting used to this, he's a busy boy.

I have to learn to stand on my own and make myself happy.

I find that I rely too much on others to support me and keep me sane.

I'm a big girl, its time for me to learn how to do this for myself.