"... but I like sleeping in a nest"

I feel like I've disappeared, but I kinda like it.
I'm in my little hidey-hole, wrapped in warm blankets and a haze of sleepiness. I'm relaxed.
I'm sure I'll get bored eventually, there are only so many books in my house and only so many cookie recipes to try but until then I like it here in my little bubble.
I can pretend I don't have a mountain of work and things to do pilling up.
Feel free to drop by anytime though.

I don't care.
Fuck off.

I'm happy and I will choose to be happy, don't ruin it.
and stop fucking judging me.
I'm not like you, and I don't want to be.

Doubt it. I think too much about you, You think too little about me.
Guess I'll just shut up and put up with it, passive aggressively of course.
What else would I do, tell you what I'm feeling?
Where has that ever gotten me?

I will posses your heart

Death Cab.
Cool air.
Bright Colours.
Crunchy leaves.
Peppermint tea, with a hint tarragon and lots of honey.

After rehearsal (I've missed acting so much... just wait until I get on stage.), and a bus ride this walk home seemed perfect.

Fragile

Everyone seems so fragile.

I need you to be strong. I'm worried about you, I love you. Please be okay. You'll get through this.

I need you to be brave. Get back up on that horse that threw you off. You deserve to be happy, have the best and be loved. (You already are, and not only by me)

I need you to take a deep breath and not let the stress get to you. You're smart, you'll get through this. 

And I need myself to stop getting hurt. Bruised knee, burnt, cuts everywhere. Jeeze Molly, pull it together. 

And stop procrastinating! You aren't in university yet, you still need to get in. Do your work, study and start busting your ass. The real world is waiting...

Decay

My body is breaking down
my muscles
my insides
my head.

but for once my mind and heart are good, not perfect, but good.
I may be stressed and worried and falling part but I am happy.
What more can I ask for?

24/10/09 5:00a.m

I'm okay.
(Note: read "I'm okay" as "I'm as okay as I can be" and let's be honest, that's not okay at all. I barley holding myself together. I can hear his voice in my head, as kind and sweet as ever. I miss him already, this was too quick. I can see the pain in my family's eyes. My gramma, my father, my sister, I'm sure my uncle, aunt and cousins too all trying to be strong and seem like they're holding themselves together. It's an act. I know because I'm putting on the same mask, playing the same part. But please let me do this, I need to. I can't break down. So when I tell you that I'm okay, please just pretend to believe me. If I can keep myself distracted for long enough, stop feeling the pain for long enough, forget for long enough, maybe it will all go away and I can move on. Until then indulge me a little, give me a distraction. Let me build my little hibernation nest, warm and protected in his arms, happy and cheery at work, mindless and comatose on the couch watching the screen flicker. I'll be better eventually, I promise.)



Poppa I love you, and always will. I'm happy that you're not in pain now and that you're free. I miss you though and just wish that I could give you a hug. I know you're watching over us and I promise that I'll make you proud. R.I.P 

Falling apart...

Only hours left.
"I have no regrets and nothing I would change. Well I have regrets, but I wouldn't change anything."
I love you and always will.

Where the fuck is the off switch?

I want to rip my hair out, curl up in a corner and cry.
Then get sucked into a black whole. And die.
Where the fuck did all this stress come from?
And why did he have to choose tonight to be an ass?
So what am I doing instead of
planning for my history discussion?
reading Hard times and making notes?
finding problems with the hellenistic philosophies?
working on my content analysis?
writing one of my history essay?
sleeping?

I am switching between doing my work, crying, procrastinating, imagining the worse, worrying and more crying.
I wish I could turn my brain off, just for a little bit. Go on autopilot and just coast.
Until all this shit is over with and I'm at university siting comfortably in my humanities class making plans to go out and get drunk.

"Just imagine me holding your hand"

I have concrete in my stomach,
ice in my veins,
but many incredible people there to hold my hand.
"we are strong together"

I can be strong, paint on a brave face. I can do this.
Well, we'll see

*                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *                  *
I have been called strong but I can't compare to him.
He is the strongest, bravest man I know.
He's facing death and yet he is still himself.
He talks about funerals and cremation, even his own.
He makes jokes.
He looks frail, needs help getting up and walking
but he was the strongest one here.

"they're not going to do the chemo...."





"there's no treatment plan..."




"It's going to be months, not years..."



"it's just about making him comfortable now..."



Silence. I can't comprehend.
I can't imagine him not being around, I don't want to.

When I have more time

and I'm in the right mood and have the house to myself this site will be my inspiration.
I can't cook when people (read my mother) are home.
The kitchen is too small and she is too fluttery and takes up too much of my personal space.
Constant chatter about nothing, listing off instructions, nagging, complaining, questioning.
Why can't she just be quiet and let me be?
Why does she feel the need to be in constant communication?
Why does she think I want to be?
We were talking today about when I move out.
She wants to call everyday. Wants to talk for hours, wasting my time with trivial things.
I. don't. care.
I'm sorry, I'm a horrible daughter.
but her voice just creates this tension and frustration inside me, I can feel it building and lingering.
I just want to yell.
Instead I make a sarcastic comment, pushing her away, closing up.
I'm not my sister, I won't talk endlessly about nothing for hours with you, I just don't care enough.
I'm sorry I'm a horrible daughter.

Kiss with a Fist.

My new addiction.
Florence + the Machine.
Listen.

What goes up

must come down.
Here we go again
Please keep your hands and feet inside the cart until the ride has come to a complete stop.
It may be awhile.

fingers crossed

job interview for Victoria's Secret PINK was today.

I'm hoping that I came across as "outgoing and customer service oriented" 

They said that they would call end of next weekend/early the week after.

I need a job. 

Flowers and Weeds

What's the difference?

What if somebody purposely planted dandelions, would they be considered flowers?

He surprised me today. I was trying hard not to get my hopes up, telling myself "he's not going to be there, he's coming home tomorrow."

Guess who showed up, bright purple-pink gerber daisy in hand. I was so happy that I leapt into his arms and buried my head in his chest. The rest of the day I was mushy and smiley and resisting the urge to skip down the halls. (I would be smacked, by several people.)

Today was the first of many grad assemblies. Graduating is becoming a reality now, not just some far off dream. Its a weird feeling, scared, excited, impatient and something else I can't figure out. The cliche word for it would be "butterflies" but its more than that.

I like how Mack put it.

We were talking about our days, lives, summers, ect. while weeding the school's garden. He said that its like we're on the on-ramp to the highway. Its the same feeling, nervous, excited. University is like the highway, fast moving, crowded, scary but the only way to get where you're going.

My hands are raw now, from pulling up monster weeds, but my body is craving that post-exercise burn. Time to try something new, Yoga maybe?

busy busy busy

Victoria Secret job fair tomorrow, wish me luck.

Monday

Today was a bad day and I was kinda hoping that you would make it better.

I keep getting my hopes up with these crazy daydreams.

It just leads to disappointment.

I know you, know how you act, I know you don't always think to ask

and yet I still hope that you will.

It's dumb but I can't stop myself.

You're not going to show up outside my window on a white horse

I need a reality check, badly.

super girl

busy busy busy

got to do it all

basketball, beat team, gym, job (?), driving, homework, friends....

just cram my day full of activity

that way I forget

and everything isn't so shitty.

The last first day

I don't know what to say, summer is over and school is starting.

Bring on the homework, stress, tears, laughs, drama, classes, boredom, stress, dumb people, amazing people, projects, tests, stress, fun times, skipping, little sleep, library, pointless handouts, useful information, horrible teachers, amazing teachers who I love already, new people, the old people who I love, the people I hate, stress, coffee, caf food (barf), bagels, not eating during the day, bus, stress, memories and last but not least, stress.

This is our last year, and although I'm ready for it to be done already and sick of school I know I will be one of the criers on the last day/ graduation. I'm sorry, but I will miss you, so be prepared (kate)

To be fair my classes are pretty amazing. I'm in love with philosophy already and sociology is coming in at a close second. For once I am interested in all my classes, hopefully that will make this year bearable.

Good bye summer, we had some good times and some boring times but by far you have been my favourite summer. I feel like I was able to be myself and do what I wanted. The parties, the beach days, the movies and random hangouts, the time I spent with him, all of it. I feel, no I am extremely grateful for all these memories and the happiness it gives me.

(barf, so cheesy)

On my own... here we go

My mind is set on overdrive

The clock is laughing in my face

In an attempt to grow-the-fuck-up and learn to be more independent I am trying to be okay with all this.

The other day I saw his new home, new life. It was overwhelming. and harder than I thought. I'm used to him being around and being able to see him. I want to be in constant contact with him, I'm constantly fighting the urge to text him. I'm trying not to be the psycho bitch girlfriend, clingy and whiny and jealous. Shoot me if I do.

Okay so I might have, sorta, kinda, been that girl.

But only slightly and I did have a bit of a reason.

We talked though, briefly and unfortunately tearfully on my part.

He wants freedom, I understand that. Eighteen years he has waited to be out on his own, his parents are giving him space and I should too. He doesn't want to have to give me a play-by-play of his day or feel like he can't go out and enjoy his university experience. I don't want him to feel like that either.

From my side I don't want to be forgotten or ignored. I've been left behind, waiting in the gate for another year before I can go out and join the race. I don't want to feel like I'm bothering him by wanting to talk to him, I want him to want to talk to me. And yes, I'd like him to stay away from other girls completely but that's crazy and unrealistic. He will have friends that are girls, as long as I'm his only girlfriend I'm okay with it. I know I can trust him and I do, now its just time to trust the other people.

I also may be a wee bit jealous of the fact that he is out of here and closer to the real world than I am. I want to get out so badly, unfortunately I'm stuck in the high school world which starts again tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm ready.

Deep breath.

"It will all be okay."

And Repeat.

Backyard

Perfect weather.

Sunny, warm but with a cool breeze.

I am seemingly content

however I know it is only a matter of time until I become lonely and bored once again.

busy busy busy, got to keep busy.

I should be getting used to this, he's a busy boy.

I have to learn to stand on my own and make myself happy.

I find that I rely too much on others to support me and keep me sane.

I'm a big girl, its time for me to learn how to do this for myself.

As the air cools

As crazy as it sounds I'm starting to look forward to school starting

I'm craving the cool air and warm cardigans

I excited to be able to keep track of everyone and their whereabouts and goings-on

(I'm a mother hen, I worry, it's my nature)

As per usual I am hopeful that this year will be better,

the classes won't be as meaningless

the people won't be as mindless and disrespectful (not you select few who I love and could not live without)

However this year has to mean something, this is the year that can make or break you. I hope I'm ready, I don't feel like I am though. Thankfully I have people to get me through it, the ones who will camp out in the library with me and kick my butt until I study or let me completely forget about everything and gave happy hour on the roof.

This year will be different, I'll make sure of it.

Things have already changed, I feel like I have a new life

or at least I fit better into my life as it was.

I love it.

I love you, all of you and I wouldn't change or exchange you for anything.

Now off to go to the movies with one of my loves, we have some catching up to do.

My head is pounding

The pain, pushing against my skull, my eyeballs, a reminder of the tears I'm holding back.

It's not your fault. It's not you, it's me.

I don't know how to explain

these thoughts cycling, cycling, cycling.

Each time shooting an icy wave through my core, my limbs.

Am I crazy? Probably.

You're sweet, but it leaves a funny aftertaste.

I never was a fan of aspartame.

Rain, rain

It was pouring this morning, the thunder waking me from my slumber, the rain lulling me back to sleep. Curled up, warm and comfortable. Spent my morning reading and relaxing. Eventually the rain stopped but I stayed caught up in Palahniuk's words.

But now my book is done, I'm alone and feeling trapped in my room. Nowhere to go, No one to go to.

Why? You tell me, we used to be close but now you seem to be making excuses to avoid me.

Whatever, fine. You deal with your drama and I'll deal with my own.

At least the rain and thunder are back, drowning out my loud, obnoxious neighbors.

Would you notice?

Would anyone notice?

If I just walked away, I doubt it, and if they did they wouldn't care for long. Everyone has carved their little niche but I seem to have forgotten to do the same.

So while everyone has their creative or physical outlets I'm stuck somewhere in the middle.

But I need to get it out, let it out.

I'm starting on that downward plunge again, thoughts swirling around my head making me feel small. Well not small, that would be a nice change. I feel, awkward and inadequate and misplaced.

I've been here before though, this self destructive state of mind, and I'll be here again. What normally brings me out is time, tea, and talking. (and a little bit of love helps too)

However, as I've said before, I don't just come out and talk, I need to be poked and prodded and the words need to be pulled out of me. These days nobody seems to be interested in doing that. I feel neglected, but I know I'm just being a cry baby and I need to stop.

There are too many thoughts in my head

get out! get out! get out!

I'm worried about what's going to happen in less than a month now (why so soon!?), next year when everything counts and there are big decisions to be made, I don't think I'm ready.

And I don't want to do it without you, but you'll be off, one step closer to the real world than me. Busy, busy, too busy for me. Don't worry, I'll be waiting for you, phone glued to my hip. I'm worried that this distance will be too much to handle, small as it is. But I know I'm being crazy.

I'm trying to make myself stop, this long rambling word vomit was more to get it all out than for anyone reading this (not that you are, you're busy, you don't care, you don't know, whatever the case). My body is craving sleep, the warm blanket, the soft pillow and the comfort of my mind shutting off for a few hours.

Fingers crossed that my mind stop this downward spiral tomorrow.

strip everything away and leave me raw and empty but clean and sane.

Like shadows in a faded light

Am I invisible?

I think I may be, but I can't tell

is this self-inflected or an oversight or does it have a purpose?

I suppose everything does.

Still...

Cabin Fever

I'm going stir crazy. I can't stand these four walls anymore. The rain, once my friend, is now my captor. Can't walk anywhere, can't bus anywhere because that would involve walking to and from the bus stop and waiting out in the open. Umbrellas are useless, mist sprays dampening you and puddles cause cold legs and feet. I'm stuck.

Everyone is gone, or going, or busy, or sick (feel better). Luckily I have a loyal friend who is never busy, just a bit stubborn.

When the rain took a break from pouring, we took a walk.

Open me up

I'm a dumb, dumb, silly girl. I almost ruined one of the most important relationships in my life because I was too afraid to speak up, to afraid to connect and leave myself open and raw and exposed. Dumb, silly girl you need to relax, just breathe and stop listening to that little voice in your head whispering negative, untrue things and sending icy electric shocks down your arms.

I promise to make it better, to stop being a coward, to stop listening to the voice in my head. I'm scared but I will overcome it.

I love you

Hibernating

I haven't left the warm comfort of my bed for more than five minutes today, I can't seem to bring myself to leave my cave. It's warm, and safe and I can shut off my mind and stare blankly at moving images on a glowing screen.

But, as usual, my body doesn't agree with my mind. It's itching to get out and do something, interact with people, get some fresh air.

Maybe just ten more minutes....

Let's go

I'm feeling trapped. Same routine, every day. This was supposed to be about being free and flowly and carefree. Its summer, sleep in and stay up late, lay about and do nothing.

But not an empty nothing, if that makes sense. Fill the space between us. Words or silence, but some words would be nice. Just a little exchange, memories, thoughts, ideas, plans. Relaxing, outside (I need fresh air, not the stale hot air in the car, the window only delivers so much.)

But we're always moving, you're always moving, go! go! go!

I need to stop, want to stop. 

I need my time alone, but I don't want it. I like the energy of other people, and the feeling of sitting next to one person in particular. I'll suck it up and endure hot stuffy car rides, the loud screeching of metal on metal, the spiders, the early mornings.... and I'll try and be a good sport and keep my inner bitch in check. 

My time alone is too lonely. The air inside is too warm, too heavy, too much.

Outside is cool and refreshing (I missed the rainfall, I wish I hadn't.)  

So let's go, let's go lay outside on a blanket on the grass and just watch the stars (and not ask "watch them do what?" because that's the point) or sit high up above everything else and watch the sun rise, fighting sleep with caffeine and sugar, let's go do nothing and make it memorable.

I just warp

Broken toenails/ bruised toes, random scratches and bruises, your own sweat mixed with other's sweat, dirt...

Thank you Anti-flag

Thank you Alexisonfire

Thank you Hello Beautiful

It was well worth being pushed around, in fact the pushing just made it better.

An Abundance of Katherines

Yesterday and today were/are going to be filled with them.

After a lovely lunch outside at Pane Fresco yesterday with Katie, filled with gossip, stories and memories of France we wandered around some what aimlessly, got a little too much sun, browsed wedding dresses (we aren't crazy, I promise, just silly girls) and met up with Kate. From there we bused it to our houses (with a pit stop for me for some water I didn't need...)

Somehow we all managed to meet at the end of my street with zero planning or use of cell phones, a miracle or just a coincidence, and proceeded to walk to my house to get ready to "interact" with some spanish and italian visitors ("MOLLY! MOLLY! MOLLY!")

Sadly the later didn't show. Ah well, I had fun with my silly girls. Late night, running to McDonalds, swearing in french, last night goes into the vault of summer memories.

So far the vault has some gems (the beach on our first day of freedom comes to mind), there hasn't been one empty day so far this summer and that's the way I like it, got to keep busy or its just a waste.

Now it's off to Warped with Kate (+ two), bring on the crowds, sun and good music.

we recreated this, it was nice but Parisian sun somehow feels better than Canadian sun. 

I don't know how to begin...

Anything. Starting is always the hardest.

It seems my brain has too many filters, anything I try to say gets edited, and edited, and edited...

in the end I say nothing, or very little. Hardly anything of importance.

Occasionally I let something slip and say something dumb and I remember why I have the filters in the first place, because nobody likes a crazy girl.

So I don't start conversations, even if I have something to say. I'll just sit there, chewing my lip, until someone asks what's on my mind.

But I'm starting this blog and fingers crossed I'll stick to it

and hey, maybe some of my thoughts will get passed the filters and onto the (web)page.

p.s Thank you to my Katherines for the inspiration, I love you both.